Friday, May 04, 2007

The Seven Step Program for American Right-Wing Catholics

If you want to be a successful right-wing American Catholic, you need to follow the following seven steps. It is extremely important that you master each step before you move on to the next one. Only then will everything fit together, and you will find total peace and enlightenment, and those pernicious liberals can't touch you....

(1) Make friends with the evangelical right, and ignore the aspects of their theology that conflicts with Catholicism. At the same time, attack your fellow Catholics on the left. This is a good warm-up exercise, as it is not intellectually very challenging.

(2) Tell Catholics that they are prohibited from voting Democratic because of their position on abortion and embryonic cell research. If you are feeling really zealous, throw in gay marriage for good measure. For bonus points, come up with some bogus theological justification (if in doubt, just crib from Catholic Answers).

(3) Insist that the bishops deny communion to all Democrats. Feel free to denounce the 99 percent of bishops who do not follow your advice. The key to a success at this stage lies in displaying the right amount of self-righteous outrage.

(4) Dismiss Catholic social teaching not mentioned in stage 2 as "mere trifles". Be as dismissive as possible, and don't forget to make condescending remarks about Europe. Make sure you have plenty of good anecdotes. Denounce high taxes, and talk about the long waiting list for hip replacements in Canada.

(5) Adopt a zealous America-first nationalism. Make sure to note that anybody who opposes Bush's war is a Euro-weenie, and being a pope does not let you off the hook! To ensure that everybody knows how reasonable your position is, point out the fact that your enemies are inflicted with "Bush Derangement Syndrome" and are leftist moonbat loons. Make sure to denounce Euro-weenies and the United Nations. Bonus points if you can twist just war theory to support the Iraq war!

(6) Time for consequentialism: the end justifies the means! Make sure you point out that America did no wrong whatsoever during the second world war, and make those fools understand that nuking the hell out of those Japanese cities was the only way to defend lives. And point out to those "liberals" that torture may be needed to stop terrorists nuking cities (theological source: Jack Bauer on 24). If you are feeling really clever, you can try and argue that Pope John Paul did not really say what they think he said.

(7) Disregard facts, including scientific facts. Dismiss evolution and global warming as liberal hoaxes. Now you are ready to create your own reality, and your task has been accomplished. Congratulations!

17 comments:

Franklin Jennings said...

It is good to see you address the problem of people who love their political party more than their Lord. If there is anyone more equipped based on their own personal experience to identify such people, I've not met them. If only the Church could find Catholics as loyal as you are to the Democrats.

Let your petty name-calling and the lies of your ignorant, cowardly anonymous commentators begin...

Morning's Minion said...

This is tongue-in-cheek, in case you hadn't noticed.

Anonymous said...

Let your petty name-calling and the lies of your ignorant, cowardly anonymous commentators begin...

LOL! Some people wouldn't recognize themselves in a mirror.

Winnipeg Catholic said...

Amen brother! Trouble is, the right wingers out there won't see the tongue-in-cheek aspect of it.

Anonymous said...

Announce with authority to everyone you know that the Seamless Garment with its consistent ethic of life has been officially shredded and the late Cardinal Bernardin was a sorry excuse for a cleric. Tell them Social Justice is nothing but liberal code for Pro Abortion.

Compose your own list of Just War Principles to be sent to the Vatican with instructions to update the Catechism post haste.

Gather a group of like-minded friends from the parish to pay a call on your pastor in early Oct-2008. Inform him that you haven't heard m(any) sermons about voting. Tell him you're prepared to make trouble if he doesn't meet your "pro-life" expectations. If he argues, call him a pro-abort.

Compose a List of Good and Bad Clergy within the Church from priest level on up. State with authority that Catholics need only obey the "Good Clergy" such as Bishop Doran of Rockford. Run off several hundred copies and leaflet the church parking lot in Oct-2008.
If anyone complains, call them dirty liberals.

Inform your parish music director that the Star Spangled Banner or America the Beautiful would be a refreshing change from the boring Christian music she's always playing at Mass. If she disagrees, call her unpatriotic.

Scour your church (lobby-pews-leaflet racks) for the bogus Guides to Faithful Citizenship put out by the bishops. Discard any you may find and distribute Catholic Answers Voter Guides at the door after Mass with a stern warning to "Remember the Non-Negotiables!" If your pastor gives you any flack, threaten to report him to George Weigel.

Anonymous said...

Form a Pro-life 'Action' Committee and appoint yourself chairman. Inform members that you'd like a Brownback-Tancredo ticket but you would also support Giuliani because he's Tough On Terror. If anyone balks, call them Traitors to The Party.

Tell your pastor that as a Compassionate Conservative, you have a matter of grave importance to discuss with him. Then ask if the people who jumped out windows at the WTC on 911 went to Hell for committing suicide. If he looks startled and tries to make excuses for them, remind him that the Church teaches that suicide is a mortal sin. If he still tries to weazel out of giving you a definite Yes, call him a squish and add him to your Bad Clergy List

Inform everyone you know that Mitt Romney is not flip-flopping by being pro-abortion 5 years ago and pro-life now. Tell them you have a Special Charism allowing you to understand that Romney's had a true conversion of heart. If people seem skeptical, tell them only a Pro-Abort would suggest blatant opportunism.

Put up a yard sign saying BETTER TO FIGHT THEM THERE THAN HERE! When neighbors stand around laughing at the absurdity of Shia and Sunni battling each other in the streets of Kansas City, yell "Get off my grass, you dirty liberals!!!"

Anonymous said...

"Trouble is, the right wingers out there won't see the tongue-in-cheek aspect of it."

Maybe there needs to be an eighth step: check your sense of humor at the door.

Todd

Kurt said...

Now, let's stop dealing in the abstract and focus on a real life example. Take a look at the following excerpts from an article by noted Catholic conservative activist Deal Hudson:

Deal W. Hudson

Kennedy Twists Santorum's Remarks

It all began with a hit piece on Sen. Santorum in the Philadelphia Daily News, entitled "A Look into Santorum's Brain" (June 24, 2005) in which columnist John Baer hammered Santorum for his comments on Terry Schiavo.

Additionally Baer was riled by an article written by Santorum three years ago. Santorum had described dissent in Catholic education and liberalism in culture as contributing factors to the difficulties in the Roman Catholic Church.

Baer summarizes the article thusly: "In other words, Harvard, the Kennedys, Kerry and the Boston Museum of Fine Arts are to blame for priests preying on altar boys."

Sen. Ted Kennedy, smelling some blood in the water, moved quickly. Kennedy accused Santorum of blaming "the people of Boston" for the scandal as well as showing "a deep and callous insensitivity to the victims."

Santorum's point is neither extreme nor fanatical: culture affects values and influences action. His mention of Boston, almost in passing, could have been replaced by any number of cities, and perhaps American culture as a whole.

At the same time, no one can really dispute Santorum's point that Boston is ONE of the leading bastions of liberal thought in the country. This is especially true of the Catholic culture in Boston, as many recent events illustrate.

The problem of Catholic leadership in Boston was news again last week when the new Director of the Massachusetts Catholic Conference -- Ed Saunders --was announced.

Saunders comes to the Conference as long-time lobbyist to the Massachusetts legislature. Catholic pro-life and grassroots leaders are having a hard time accepting the new appointment. They quickly discovered that Saunders had made personal financial contributions to several gay marriage and cloning advocates in the legislature who ran against pro-life candidates in the 2004 election.

Saunders defended his actions by saying he was wearing "a different hat," as a lobbyist for a credit union.

Marie Sturgis, executive director of Massachusetts Citizens for Life said her group is investigating Saunder's background. "I realize lobbyists do what they have to do, but we are talking about principles here and strong beliefs in some fundamental human rights" she said. "There's a side of me that wonders if there are personal contributions given to lawmakers and political candidates who are not in synch with what the Church teaches, then doesn't that call into question the motives of this individual?" (Boston Globe, July 13, 2005)

A spokesman for the Conference, Terrence C. Donilon, defended the hiring, "Ed Saunders is personally and professionally committed to advocate the full range of Catholic social and moral teachings. On that basis and his many qualifications, he was a strong candidate for the position for which he was hired."

The statement just didn't make sense to grassroots leaders who say that several well-qualified pro-life people who have dedicated histories for lobbying for the culture of life applied for the position, including Maria Parker, acting Interim Director and Associate Director for Public Policy for many years.


Now, working backwards, poor Mr. Saunders is damned because he assisted in the campaign of a candidate who was helpful in a cause Mr. Saunders was associated with (the credit union movement, long a favorite of the popes as a way of assisting the poor and working families) but who happended not to meet Professor Deal's standards on life issues and gay marriage.

This all comes in a defense of then Senator Santorum. Santorum, btw, was key in obtaining the re-nomination of his GOP pro-choice colleague Arlen Specter over his pro-life primary opponent.

Anonymous said...

Like so many Republicatholics, Deal Hudson is a case study in hypocrisy. For a glimpse into his sordid past, check this out:

"THE REAL DEAL"
http://www.nationalcatholicreporter.org/update/bn081904.htm

While I'm against abortion I've always been completely turned off by the scummy tactics of so many pro-life activists who seem to specialize in "investigating" every nook and cranny of other peoples' lives, hoping to find some clandestine link to abortion, be it ever so tenuous. They love stirring up trouble, getting people fired, sniffing around for the dirt. Apparently that's more fun than counseling pregnant teenagers. When it comes to the special anointed ones like Santorum with the Specter issue, they have nothing to say.

It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid!

Anonymous said...

For some one so opposed "casually dismissing Catholic social teaching", you seem to be quite eager to casually dismiss well documented problems with socialized medicine. I'm sure you know that the real problem is six month waiting lists for heart surgery, not hip replacements. But that wouldn't sound so hilariously snarky and derisive, now would it? Pot, kettle, black.

Morning's Minion said...

Socialized medicine? I assume you mean single-provider not single-payer? And what, pray tell, are the problems you refer to? How about this fact: the United States spends twice as much per person as the average advanced economy and derives less results from it in terms of health outcomes. What does that tell you about single-payer systems?

Kurt said...

Contrary to the ocassional yahoo heard to comment "I don't want the government messing with my Medicare", we already have "socialized medicine" for Americans over age 65. And no six month waits for needed heart surgery.

Anonymous said...

the "problem" is that Canadians come to America for heart surgery, because the waiting list in Canada is so long that they would die before their name came up. that was well established in the last comment, quit dodging.

Kurt said...

they would die? hardly. The mortality rates for heart patients is the same in the US as in Canada and Canadian heart patients are allowed to stay in the hospital 16.8% longer. It also costs an average of $10,000 for heart surgury in Canada compared to $20K in the USA, for the same quality medical treatment.

You still haven't answered the question, why don't we see these problems for Americans under Medicare, which is the same system as Canada has for everyone?

Chris said...

Why not do away with Medicare and the VA system also? Let the oldsters and vets fend for themselves like everyone else. It would reduce taxes and help the eonomy by creating more paper-pusher jobs in the health insurance industry. Also, this would automatically eliminate the senior drug plan (Medicare Part D) and help the economy by beefing up profits for Big Pharma. Best of all, it would free the country of all forms of "Socialized Medicine".

Anonymous said...

You just know every time someone mentions single payer health insurance, it will send the rightwing into knee jerk mode, trotting out the horrifying prospect of 'Socialized Medicine' which, in their imagination, is far worse than having 46 million uninsured and half the population under-insured.

Meanwhile, in the reality based world, people are discovering what's really horrifying is getting a bill for $800-$1200 every month to insure their families--excluding dental, vision & Rx meds. It's happening to more Americans every year as their employers bail from the cost of health insurance or downgrade to plans so skimpy as to be basically worthless.

Like it or not, the US will be forced into a singlepayer system within the next decade. It will happen because of pressure from the business sector who can no longer afford the handicap of insuring workers in a global market where their competitors are not saddled with health insurance.

The trickle of poor "socialized" Canadian refugees crossing the border for surgery is vastly outnumbered by the millions of Americans forced to get Rx meds from Canada at 1/3 the price.

Anonymous said...

The Master has given us but one new commandment “This is My commandment: love one another as I have loved you.” John 15:12

Not doing a very good job, are we?